Anyone who’s ever experienced a narcissistic partner, friend, or family member is familiar with the types of manipulation and gaslighting tactics these individuals use during the holiday season. Here are six manipulation methods narcissists use during the holiday season to look out for. Remember to set boundaries and engage in self-care during this time if you experience any of these: you are not obligated to spend the holidays with anyone toxic to your well-being.
Deliberately being the Grinch or trying to sabotage your joy during holiday festivities.
Having corresponded with thousands of survivors who’ve been in relationships with narcissists, there is a clear pattern of how narcissistic people tend to act during the holiday season. The holidays appear to trigger rage and entitlement in a narcissist because they are no longer the center of attention; people feel fulfilled, joyful, and validated by the cheerful gatherings and the events they have with loved ones, which means the narcissist feels slighted and entitled to try to ruin your festivities. Unless they’re in a phase of love bombing you, they will usually unleash their rage on their dearest and nearest, including their romantic partners, family members, or close friends who they’ve made a target. That means they will deliberately sulk during the holiday season, deflate your joy, and attempt to ruin special events through crazymaking arguments or hypercriticism to get you to associate the holidays with their emotional abuse. Their negativity and pessimism are actually manipulative because it is designed to unsettle and gaslight their victims. For example, it is common for the narcissist to provoke their romantic partner before a visit to their respective families so their partner comes off as the sullen, “crazy” one even though they were legitimately provoked. The narcissist then gets to play the charming guest at the holiday party while ruining this special occasion for their partner.
Creating love triangles or triangulating you and pitting you in another unhealthy way against someone they know you have a conflict with.
Perhaps it’s your toxic mother-in-law, an ex, a potential love interest, or a toxic friend, acquaintance, or malevolent co-worker, but the narcissist will spend their time trying to pit you against one another and will experience duping delight as they stir drama during the holidays. They might “casually” talk about visiting an ex during what is supposed to be a romantic holiday vacation. Or, if it’s not a romantic interest, they may gossip about you to that person, or tell that person you said something you didn’t, just in time to start a fight and a conflict between you two during what is supposed to be a peaceful holiday. They will use any existing feuds to ignite these flames and put a damper on your holiday cheer, as you spend more time fixated on their manufactured triangles rather than on relaxation.
Giving you the silent treatment or stonewalling you.
The holidays are supposed to be about joyful communication and well wishes, but the narcissist knows this is the perfect time to treat you to the silent treatment and stonewalling because such a manipulation tactic will leave a bigger impact during the holidays. That is why some narcissistic partners or family members disappear or start to withhold and withdraw emotionally during this time, because they know their disappearance and coldness will be felt on an extreme level during what was supposed to be a festive season.
Purposely making sure they get you gifts you do not want, while you spend time and care getting the perfect gift for them.
You are not materialistic for wanting a thoughtful gift or even gesture from a partner or family member. This has nothing to do with spending money and everything to do with empathy, reciprocity, thoughtfulness and consideration. A narcissist does not want you to be happy during the holidays, which is why they will set out to disrupt even the basic niceties of gift-giving by giving you the opposite of what you want, even if you’ve gone out of your way to find a gift that is pleasing to them and their needs. For example, let’s say you purchase wonderful gifts for the narcissist and their family members and bring a beautiful cake to their Christmas celebration, and you’re excited to open your present from your (narcissistic) significant other under the Christmas tree. When the narcissist asked you what you wanted, you told them specifically and they made it seem like they would get it for you. Instead, you open your present and it’s a pair of socks in a color they know you hate. This is just one example, but there are many ways they can purposely disturb and upset you by building up expectations, only to revel in your disappointment and horror. This can happen with gestures, as well, in other contexts besides relationships. For example, due to envy, jealousy, and scapegoating, a hardworking employee may not be invited to the company’s Christmas party, or a devoted friend may be excluded from a narcissist’s holiday celebration.
“Hoovering” you back into the relationship with seemingly heartfelt apologies or provocative statements.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner during the holiday season, it’s quite possible they will reach out to you during this time in a seeming gesture to wish you a good holiday or even to provoke you. The purpose of such a greeting is not care or thoughtfulness, but rather to reestablish control. Even if this person is no longer in your life, they want to make sure you’re still thinking of them so they can re-awaken memories of past toxic holidays you spent with them as well as the abusive dynamics of the relationship. Some may go so far as to try to trigger you with absurd messages like, “Hope you’re having a good holiday! Me and my new partner are having a blast!” or, “I am really sorry for everything. Can we talk?” Rest assured that if any of that were true, they would not be texting an ex or would have changed their ways a long time ago.
Weaponizing social media.
Social media is a powerful way narcissists try to create love triangles and provoke during the holidays. That is why it is best to leave it alone during the holiday season and not be pulled into the crazymaking of the narcissist. Whether it’s the narcissist suddenly announcing an engagement or posting covert quotes that seem to reference your relationship, some pull all the stops to try to grab your attention online during a celebratory time, especially if they sense you are happy and at peace without them or have moved on to a new partner. Don’t fall for the trap. You deserve to enjoy the holidays and you deserve to be at peace, free from toxic people.
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